You’re Not a Bad Person for Not Forgiving — You’re a Person Still Healing

Author’s note: My personal perspective on forgiveness has been shaped by Pete Walker’s The Tao of Fully Feeling, which centers on emotional honesty and grief as pathways to self-protection and, when possible, chosen forgiveness. 

Many people feel guilty for not being able to forgive someone who hurt them. They’re told forgiveness is necessary to heal, to move on, or to find peace. When forgiveness feels out of reach, it can create shame on top of pain.

Here’s the truth: you are not failing. You are still healing.

Why Forgiveness Can Feel So Hard

After emotional injury, especially trauma, the nervous system focuses on protection. Your brain and body may still register threat, even if the danger has passed. When this happens, forgiveness can feel unsafe or premature.

Hesitation to forgive is often a sign that important emotions like anger, grief, or fear still need space. These feelings are not barriers to healing. They are part of it.

Forgiveness Is Not Reconciliation

Forgiveness is an internal process. Reconciliation is a relational one. They are not the same.

You can choose to forgive and still maintain distance, boundaries, or no contact. Trauma-informed care cautions against confusing forgiveness with reconnecting, especially when accountability or safety is absent. Doing so can increase the risk of retraumatization or self-blame.

What Research Says About Forgiveness

Research distinguishes between decisional forgiveness, a conscious choice to let go of revenge, and emotional forgiveness, a gradual change in feelings. These do not always happen at the same time.

Both have been linked to well-being over time, but neither can be forced. Studies also show that pressuring people to forgive can increase distress, particularly after trauma.

A Trauma-Informed View

My perspective on forgiveness has been shaped in part by Pete Walker’s The Tao of Fully Feeling, which emphasizes emotional honesty and grief as essential to healing. In this view, forgiveness is not a moral requirement. It may emerge after emotions are fully felt and safety is restored.

If Forgiveness Isn’t Available Yet

Instead of asking whether you should forgive, consider asking what you need to feel safe, grounded, and whole right now. For some, that means stronger boundaries. For others, it means time, support, or space.

Forgiveness, if it comes, should be chosen, not demanded.

Final Thoughts

You are not broken for not forgiving. Healing is about restoring safety, agency, and self-trust, not meeting an external expectation.

If forgiveness fits your journey, it will arrive on your timeline.