You Are Not Wrong for Struggling to Forgive
Many people feel guilty for not being able to forgive someone who hurt them. Friends, family members, faith communities, and popular psychology often frame forgiveness as the “healthy” or “mature” response to harm. When forgiveness doesn’t come easily, people may assume something is wrong with them.
It isn’t.
If you feel stuck, angry, cautious, or unable to forgive, that response is often a sign of a nervous system doing exactly what it is designed to do: protect you.
How Harm Changes the Nervous System
When a person experiences harm—especially relational harm or trauma—the nervous system shifts into a state of protection. This isn’t a conscious choice. It’s a biological response.
You may notice:
Heightened alertness to danger or unfairness
Difficulty relaxing or feeling safe
Increased vigilance around certain people or situations
Changes in sleep, appetite, or emotional regulation
Your brain may replay what happened, analyze responsibility, or focus on preventing future harm. Relationships often change as well. You may feel more selective about trust, closeness, and vulnerability. Connections that feel predictable and safe may deepen, while relationships that feel threatening or unstable may become distant.
None of this means you are “holding a grudge.” It means your system is prioritizing safety.
Why Guilt Often Follows Trauma
Guilt frequently shows up after painful experiences—not because you’ve done something wrong, but because of external pressure. Many cultural narratives equate forgiveness with healing. When you don’t feel ready to forgive, it can create an internal conflict:
“If forgiveness is healthy, and I can’t do it yet, does that mean I’m unhealthy?”
This kind of guilt often reflects expectations placed on you, not your actual needs. Your nervous system may still be processing, grieving, or stabilizing. Forcing forgiveness before there is internal readiness can increase distress rather than resolve it.
Forgiveness Is Not a Requirement for Healing
Psychotherapist Pete Walker emphasizes an alternative approach:
Allow yourself to feel what you feel
Grieve what was lost
Rebuild boundaries
Focus on safety and self-trust
Forgiveness, in this framework, is optional—not obligatory. It may or may not become part of your healing process, and that’s okay.
Many people find that guilt lessens once they separate cultural expectations from personal truth. Healing often begins not with forgiveness, but with validation: recognizing that your reactions make sense given what you’ve been through.
You Are Not Broken — You Are Responding
If forgiveness feels out of reach, it doesn’t mean you’re bitter, immature, or failing at healing. It means your system is still doing important work.
Healing is not about forcing yourself into a response that looks good from the outside. It’s about listening to what your body and mind are communicating and responding with care.
Forgiveness may come later. Or it may not. Either way, your worth and capacity for healing are not dependent on it.